Want to play to a game?

Remember that line from the Saw films? I do, of course. I'm sure that creepy doll on his red tricycle started a fear of sadistic puppets for many people. I am not one of those people with a fear of puppets. As many of my close friends and family know, I used to be a puppeteer once upon a time. This is something I am not proud of, but alas, it happened. My love for the Muppets, Sesame Street, and simple shadow puppets led me to a few years with my hand up a doll's behind singing Boyzone songs and telling children to love Jesus and clean their rooms.

But the famous line from Saw has got me thinking. It scared so many people. So what I want to blog about are my fears.

I am scared of a lot of things. I used to joke with somebody that I could start a career as a professional bad-ass. One flaw in this potential career is that I abide by the law (the exception being J walking) and am terrified by so many things that my bad-ass reputation would quickly be shattered if anybody ever found out.

So instead of somebody else shattering my dream, I'll jolly well do it myself.

I have compiled a detailed list of everything which frightens me. Here is hoping this doesn't bite me in the ass and become the source of a sick joke by one of my acquaintances. 

Are you afraid of the dark?

Hell yes I am afraid of the dark. My family home is a large(ish) two storey house. It creaks in the wind and there are many corners a monster, ghost, or vampire (hello Twilight, you horrible phenomenon) could hide. When I was a small girl I remember waking up and seeing a dead carcass on my pillow. Running downstairs in a fright I was told to go back to bed and stop imagining things. At the time I was adamant that there was a carcass on my bed, waiting for me to return so it could bask in its dead glory and frighten the small girl who was supposed to be sleeping. The older Katie now realises that my vivid imagination was playing tricks on me and there was no dead carcass on my pillow. However, this 'memory' (for lack of a better word) started my life long fear of the dark and an attachment to lamps.

As a film graduate (way to sound pretentious) I know how horrors are made. I know that zombies are not real, murderers could find better targets than myself, and the devil would be bored as hell to possess me. But when I was growing up this was not the case. I first watched The Exorcist at a friend's birthday party. By watch I mean hid behind the couch with my fingers in my ears and tears running down my cheeks. The devil's face which sporadically (thank you Clueless for teaching me how to use this word) popped up on screen stuck in my mind like a sticker on a window, and only recently have I been able to peel it off. The sight of the young girl crawling down the stairs like a backwards spider freaked me out so badly that I was adamant that the stairs in my house were home to a similar demon and led to many years running blind down the stairs so I wouldn't have to face it.

For many years waking up at 3am in the morning scared the living daylights out of me. This was the devil's hour and I was the devil's prey. This was also the moment where my bladder had reached its limit and I was forced to drag myself out of the warmth of my bed and make my way through the darkness to the bathroom. Now I know that nobody likes getting up out of bed to use the bathroom halfway through the night. But when you're terrified of the dark it is one of the worst things in the world. I wonder if I was the only person to count to ten with my eyes shut tight, just to plunge my hand into the empty space between my bed and lamp, thinking that it was only a second before something grabbed me and shook me until my head span around and I threw up pea green vomit. This never happened, but the two seconds it took to turn the light on lasted a lifetime and had my heart beating like a marching band in a Christmas parade. As soon as the light was on I was safe. Corners where I was sure something or someone were lurking were filled with bookshelves, the scratching noise on a window was not fingernails but a branch, and the coldness which I thought were dead bodies passing through me was in fact caused by an open window I had forgotten to close.

This fear has not left. I am in my twenties and am still afraid of the dark. I recently watched Paranormal Activity 3. I tried to act tough and be all "pffft didn't scare me" but it did. I curse the writer who named the lead female Katie. I curse Toby for hiding under a sheet and lifting Katie up by her hair. He is a sick sick make believe demon who causes me to open my eyes in fright when I hear something bang in my flat.

Titanic - not just a love story

I know a few people who share this fear. Shipwrecks under the water. What the hell. These are one of the most frightening sights ever. I like open spaces, I love the water, hell I even like boats. But put all three together in a blender, add a dash of darkness, strange looking fish and eerie music and you've got yourself quite the recipe for an awful time.

I love the film Titanic. Being the romantic that I am (sarcastic laugh) I could watch this film over and over again (true story). What I cannot watch are the shots of the sunken ship. I cannot put my finger on what exactly frightens me about this, but it is something about the lonely ship deteriorating and sitting in the emptiness of the ocean which sends chills up and down my spine.

I tried to show somebody what I meant by my fear of sunken ships, but even googling images made me retch and close my eyes. For some reason I couldn't press close fast enough and had a minor panic attack. What a baby, right?

Hello Death

What an original fear. Has anybody else seen that episode of Ali G when he interviews a man who looks like a frail Santa Claus? He asks him if he is going to die, to which the man replies "of course, everybody dies". Being the comedian he is, Ali G gets quite angry about this and yells at the man. I laughed when I saw it, and would probably laugh again if I were to YouTube this. But you know what, I don't want to die.

I don't believe in after-life, heaven, hell, being born as something/someone else, or the long list of religious 'guesses' about what happens when we die. I think that when a person dies, bam! They're dead. Everything shuts off and they either decompose or get burnt and scattered somewhere sentimental. What a pessimistic view of what happens to us aye?

I like to think I'm quite the optimist. I'm a glass-full kind of gal and always find something positive in amongst the negative mess. But death, nah I don't take that route. I would love to think that when we die we get to ride unicorns and eat marshmallows, but something inside me scoffs at the idea.

This is why I am afraid of death. Everything stops. My long life is suddenly over. BAM!

Freaky huh?

Maybe I should invest in some hobbies so my life isn't so meaningless. Then when death does come knocking on my door I can welcome it like a friend, take it by the hand and travel into the depths of nothingness with a smile on my face.

1 2 3 JUMP

This fear is strange. When I'm standing on a bridge, cliff, tall building (anything with a large height) I am not afraid of falling. Falling doesn't frighten me, but jumping does. I get this overwhelming sensation that I am going to jump. I am not the type of person who would hurl myself off something but I cannot help but think for a few brief moments that I am going to jump and it will all be over in the blink of an eye.

I confessed this fear to a friend once and was surprised that they too shared this fear. It comforted me to think that I was not the only irrational person out there. Perhaps this is why I am writing this list. To let others know that these fears I have are not uncommon. Jokes, I'm writing this to procrastinate the long list of things I have to do today. Woe is me and my busy timetable.

Parseltongue Potter

Snakes. How something that looks like a garden hose can freak somebody out so badly is beyond me. But they do. They terrify me.

When  I was in Malaysia my brave little sister wrapped two snakes around her body and laughed while I ran away from her screaming in disgust and fear.

The way snakes slither and coil themselves around a body, poking their skinny tongues out in a tormenting way and hissing at their enemies is revolting. If they were to have legs (oh I think you would call these lizards) they would be a friendly pet. But no, the lack of legs freaks me out. It is so unnatural to slide around the floor, twisting and turning, plotting revenge and death on those unlucky to cross paths with the snake.

Snake tamers, I salute you. But, I will never ever approach you.

Please excuse my lack of pictures in this blog, but these things which I have shared with the internet frighten my very core. Even looking at them causes panic attacks followed by binge eating. My already curvaceous figure does not need any more chocolate and pies.