I was smoking my morning cigarette outside today, sitting in the warmth and sneezing at the sun when I heard these loud, slow high heel noises walking their way across the concrete. Has anybody ever seen Bowfinger and can remember that scene where the dog is wearing red high heels and is frightening Kit Ramsay (played by Eddie Murphy)? I got the giggles thinking about this moment and thought of a high-heel clad dog walking through the car-park. Luckily I wasn't wearing my glasses so the woman who was wearing them was a blur of colours and shapes, and the illusion of the dog was not shattered. This got me thinking, so often I find myself looking at moments in life, both past and present, and identifying them with images, characters, scenes and themes from films. Obviously, the Bowfinger moment was a comical and fragmented second which was there to cheer me up. But seriously, I can't help but watch films and find pieces of myself scattered throughout. I understand that this is why these films are so successful. We all liked Bridesmaids because of the hilarious sense of humour, but we also liked it because we've all been that unhappy girl (sorry boys, you can't identify here unless you're that smoking hot cop or douche-bag of a fuck buddy) whose life seems meaningless and empty. There she was on the screen, sharing our dark moments in the funniest way possible.
So, my dear readers, here is a list of Film and Television moments and characters who I have attached strings of recognition to, in the hopes that as they find themselves, I too can find myself.
Girls
My sister Liz told me about this new HBO series called Girls. It is a show about four girls in their early 20s who deal with the kind of first world problems I am currently facing. I find myself identifying with the main character Hannah way too much. She, like me, is a recent graduate and is on that joyful roller coaster of a ride to find a job and some sort of direction. One thing that the University brochures don't tell you when you're a doe eyed 17 year old at high school, is how unbelievably stressful it is to find the world's most perfect job with the apparently useless degree you spent four years working your ass off for. Luckily after months of tears, stress and too many cigarettes I found a job in the field of what I spent $50,000 of the government's hard earned cash studying. Lucky me. We are constantly showered with life expectations. You get a degree, you get a successful job, you travel, you met 'the one', you have children, you raise them right and by joves they're all gifted sons of bitches, you sit on your fortune and you die. What a load of bullshit. I'm really starting to agree with the Trainspotting poster we have hanging in the kitchen. Lets ponder these for a moment, shall we? I got my degree, it was four years of drunken blurs, late nights cramming and a nervous breakdown. Tick. I moved to the capital city in search of the perfect job. What I didn't realise is that four years of higher education didn't show me what I actually want to do. And now that I'm up here, I still don't know what I want to do. Maybe radio? Who wouldn't want to listen to somebody ramble about meaningless junk while sipping on their instant coffee and eating vegemite on toast. So half tick. I travelled. I have nothing bad to say about my travelling here, it was the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life and I would recommend it to everybody. The one - who the hell is the one? I feel like Ted from How I Met Your Mother, preoccupied with this conception that my ideal person is out there and that someday we will meet and there will be fireworks and a large marching band playing our song. Fuck the romantic comedies that have shaped me into this 'love can conquer all' kind of person. And fuck myself for actually wanting this. I'm not ticking this box. Kids - god help the day when I breed. No tick.
I'm getting off topic here. This bad mood that I am in is clouding my supposedly 'funny' blog which I hear so many people rave about (this is saturated in sarcasm, not arrogance). Back to Girls... So this main girl Hannah, she deals with the same ordinary life obstacles which myself (and lets be honest, probably half the twenty something girls living in our long white cloud) has to 'overcome' daily. Gee, I should really get into motivational speaking. If this doesn't make you want to pump your fist in the air screaming VICTORY then I have failed. I think the reason I love this show so much is that the flawed hero Hannah, like myself, is a mess. For once we aren't watching glamorous (Fergie taught me how to spell that word, thank you very much) teenagers deal with how to spend their parents' fortune (Wassup Gossip Girl - you unbelievable addiction). We are seeing unconventional beauties deal with the kind of shit that everybody has their face shoved into. No direction, average love lives, mediocrity, and the obvious lack of funds. Sigh.
New Girl
I started watching this genius of a show when I moved to Wellington. I had fantasies of wearing Zooey Deschanel's (Jess) fabulous outfits and meeting a perfect group of borderline nut-cases who would eventually become my family. It got to the point where I wanted to be Jess so badly that I cut a fringe in the hopes that some blind person with a vivid imagination would mistake me for her. Hardy ha. The reason I find myself on a similar level to Jess is that she is a basket case. Her quirky sense of humour and inability to care about what people think about her makes me want to jump on that wagon, say some more weird things and be all Cartman from South Park and "do what I want!" Luckily I was taken in by a group of colourful characters who I am clicking with like Lego. Ten points to the castle and all of the dwellers inside. My transition into Jess could totally happen... Just watch this space. And, bring on Nick!
Barney Gumble
My sister Becka got myself and my other two sisters to do a psychological test which would pair our personality types up with a Simpsons character. I, the lucky one, got Barney Gumble. The town drunk. Ha. Here is why I am Barney Gumble: ENFPs (my personality type, according to the Simpsons Myers-Briggs test) are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive. They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events. ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity. ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental. ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.
How did they get all of that out of the town drunk? Either way, now I see myself in Barney Gumble. It's one of those 'look into the clouds and you will see what I see' sort of moments. Funny how our minds work, isn't it?
Hufflepuff
My mad obsession with Harry Potter (the books, not the films even though I saw every single one at the cinema and got madly excited when the beloved Potter music filled my ear drums with its magical rhythm) has led to hours poring the internet, sorting myself and loved ones into Hogwarts houses. Half of you are smiling to yourself, because you too have done this. One quarter has never read Harry Potter, and the last quarter has but would never admit it to me, let alone themselves. You should be ashamed. If I ever get another tattoo it will either be a Harry Potter scar on my forehead of HUFFLEPUFF on my ass. I was having a deep and meaningful conversation about Harry Potter houses with a group of people a few years back. Everybody wants to be in Gryffindor and I was secretly hoping that this group of strangers would assume that I was a brave lion, desperate to rise up and fight for the greater good. But this dream was crushed when one of them piped up, laughed in my face and said I could only ever be Hufflepuff, no matter how many kick boxing lessons I went to. In an attempt to prove this person wrong I went to the beloved internet (and kick boxing lessons) and completed quiz after quiz trying to prove to myself that I could be in Gryffindor. But alas, time after time the answer was always Hufflepuff. And that is how I was sorted into the Hogwarts dud house. The house where everybody cares and mediocrity rules. This has given me a deep respect for all Hufflepuff characters, and admiration for the great Cedric Diggory (may he rest in peace) as he rose up against the other houses and was chosen for the Triwizard Tournament. You go Cedric - four for you!
Easy A
Olive (Emma Stone) is a witty, attractive virgin who pretends to sleep with less than average boys so they get a 'player' reputation and she gets moneys cash, cash moneys. Not prostitution, but more helping a brother out. I don't identify with this because I have never pretended to sleep with anybody. Unlucky for me, I have to tell the truth about everything. I get this horrible 'lying smile' that all my friends and family know too well. I can't help it. I'll try to lie about something and this stupid smile will creep onto my face and suddenly I'm caught out. So, I couldn't pretend to sleep with people in order to help them out. What I did identify with was Olive's way of dealing with her stained reputation. Everybody has a reputation. You can be the sister Christian like Amanda Bynes' character (which I once was), you can be the promiscuous girl, the cake eater, the butcher, the baker, the candle stick maker. Everybody has a reputation, some good, and some so badly stained that no amount of nappy san will clean what has become. Olive deals with this in the most bold and comical of ways. Her class and wicked sense of humour helped me to laugh at myself when things got overwhelming last year and I found myself trying to be her in order to deal with the mess of a life I had made. Cheers Burt V Royal for writing a part which helped a sister out - top guy. One of the main catalysts in this film is gossip. The way it spreads around like wildfire (Game of Thrones used wildfire literally, totally worth the budget increase) infecting ears and taking whatever shape it is moulded into by those who twist and turn stories for entertainment purposes. I am sure we have all been victim of a false rumour which has been pinned onto our chest like a badge, screaming out to those who think they know all that this is apparently who we are. You know what I think? The middle finger is what I think. I have been so upset in the past by rumours (some admittedly true, others completely false) that I have just stopped caring. I feel like I'm going against the Hufflepuff code here, my problem is meant to be that I care too much.
Total Recall
Who doesn't identify with Arnold Schwarzenegger in this film? Personally, I see myself in the three-breasted mutant.
This is getting deep. Time to peace out.
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