So here I am on a Saturday afternoon drinking Crisp Apple Tea out of a tea-cup and bathing in the glorious cold air that is forever in my flat. Probably a good time to blog. Except my keyboard has been a little 'off colour lately'. When I write a sentence or two it likes to back track and insert words into previous statements so I get paragraphs with the occasional "Kinfreakd regards, KdearMrsatie" Like, I get it. Just another case of the good old keyboard trying to have a laugh. But in having typed only this far I have had to find where I have messed up, backspace, make changes, and give the keyboard the fingers. Not the fast tapping fingers that gracefully brush over the buttons in a carefree and familiar way. Oh no. My keyboard is getting abused with punchy fists and swear words.

This has got me thinking. How often do we find ourselves swearing at inanimate objects and cursing their very being? I have found myself doing this far too often and am now going to share with you a tale of my relationship with objects. So, dear reader, lean back in your chair, put on a jumper, take off your shoes and take delight in knowing that you are not the only insane person out there. Ahhhh the comfort.

On a side note, I am about to hurl this bloody keyboard down the stairs and scream Bloody Mary.

My Toes and Everything on the Floor


For all intents and purposes I am going to lump everything that could possibly 'live' on the floor into this category. I am an extremely clumsy person. Sometimes I will be standing upright when wham bam thank you Ma'am I'm on the floor with a sore behind and a confused expression. I have never actually seen my expression when I fall, but I can imagine it is a mixture of chins and confusion. It is hard to look attractive when gravity is bringing you to your knees. Being the clumsy person that I am stubbing my toe has become second nature to me. I have a theory. Stubbing your big toe is worse than child-birth. There, I said it. Now I have never actually given birth (touch wood - ha see what I did there? Little bit of sexual innuendo for you naive ones out there who haven't quite grasped sexually explicit material) but I can imagine that the two are in the same category. I know this statement is going to get me into a lot of trouble with my fellow women friends (sup ladies) but at least I'm not a male who claims that getting kicked in the testicles is worse than giving birth. Lets not even get started on that can of worms.... But here is a pain that both sexes can share and hate. Even thinking about it I want to hurl chairs, stomp on phones, kick stairs and scream at loose bricks. Stubbing your toe is one of the most infuriating and teeth gritting experiences. Ever. Honestly. If I had to choose between eating a big bag of crap or stubbing my toe I'd be chowing down on that bag of crap and asking for seconds. Why I would ever get that choice, or why somebody would collect crap in a bag (manure perhaps) is beyond me. But seriously. Ouch. Like holy mother of God don't talk to me for at least five minutes while I plot a long slow and painful death on the staircase who wasn't there five minutes ago but just popped up and got in the way of my foot. I will end you.

Call me, Maybe?


My phone is a piece of crap. Sometimes it likes to freeze, change words (damn you auto correct), call people in my pocket, turn itself off, and just make a bloody nuisance of itself. Now I know there is some smart ass out there who is saying "buy a new bloody phone and blog about something else" and my thoughts to this? Yeah, righto. Will do. It will save me many minutes of "arghfuckingphone!" yells when I'm walking down the street, and will save a lot of phone-calls from my ass to random people whose numbers I have saved in a hasty 'lets be friends' moments only to forget who they actually are....

I'm sort of running out of things to write about the angry moments I have had with objects.

I need a shower and I've been eating chips and gherkin dip. My mouth tastes like the bag of crap I was eating as an alternative to stubbing my toe.

Now the bloody laptop is dying. First world problems all up in here. Might blog tomorrow. Make up for this sorry excuse to tell people just how much I hate stubbing my toe.

Peace.