We all have somebody we don't like for no reason. I am sure there are a few people out there in the world wide web who are thinking that this is false and that they love every woman, man, and everything in between. Want my opinion? You are lying and irrationally dislike somebody.

Join me in my list of reasons why I dislike people I do not know.

The reason comedians can joke about other people is because they usually joke about themselves first. Depending on how funny the comedian is, this can either be perfectly executed with the right amount of personal attacks on both themselves and a stranger in the audience, or it can go terribly wrong leading to hisses and boos from the five people who turned up to mock the poor wannabe comedian. I have never, and will never, try stand up comedy. Shout out to the sighs of relief coming from my readers. My sense of humour relies purely upon lame jokes I have stolen from various 90s comedies and catchy one liners I have tweaked from the internet. For this reason (and lets be honest, for so many more) a lot of people would join in on the 'throwing rotten fruit at the loud ginger' on stage wagon. You're too kind.

The reason I say this is because I have seen a few comedy routines in my time and have quickly disliked a person based on their opening line. Armed with a stomach full of cider one evening, myself and a few friends thought we would give amateur comedy night a looksie. The night was a drunken blur of laughter, face-palms and I'm not going to lie, a drenched t-shirt after I lost the ongoing war I have with gravity. What got to me were the many brave people who got on stage and managed to silence the audience with the worst jokes in the world. A man joking about periods can be hilarious. Seriously, I'm all about equal rights. If a dude wants to make Aunty Flow jokes then please be my guest. But for the love of all things good, don't taint them with all things vulgar, or at least do it tastefully. I  remember (well, heard the next morning) somebody had made a 'period' joke but it silenced the audience and had us (boys and girls) quietly plotting his slow and painful death. Luckily I do not remember this person so I cannot hold onto this irrational hate. But, whoever you were - you sucked. Big time.

There are some funny buggars out there and hell I love a great body shaking laugh. But what I hate are those people who think that they are so damn funny they deserve a great big trophy. The thing is, people who think they are funny are usually the most try-hard douche-bags ever (sarcasm and hypocricy intended). We all know somebody like this, and chances are if you don't then TAG you're it. Lucky son of a bitch. You know what I would like to do to people like these? Duct tape their mouths shut, put on Wayne's World and teach them what comedy is. Because poorly crafted English accents and the overrated Golem impression just does not cut it any more.

Bitch face. This tends to cater to the female population of the world. There are those unfortunate females out there whose faces permanently resemble somebody who has eaten a giant sack of their own faecal matter. At dinner one time a group of us were fascinated by this beautiful girl who sat at a large table surrounded by people. You would think that in a circumstance such as this you would be enjoying yourself, or at least pretending to. But no, this girl ate her Teriyaki chicken on rice and scowled the entire time. The pinched look on her face didn't seem out of place. Instead, it looked like she had spent her entire life cursing the world and eating shit out of her handbag. So what did we do? We wrote a note telling her to cheer up, and share her breakfast with the poor boy who had been hitting on her all evening. Helping a sister AND a brother out - yeah girl.

 Having gone to Otago University I am familiar with the 'bitch face' population. It is a trend for these girls to flock down south, put on small dresses, high heels, a tonne of Mac lipstick and give the middle finger (or at least the face version of this) to every man and his dog. Like I get it, if I had to wear gigantic heels and designer labels I too would probably curse the world and all of my first world problems. But seriously, why you gotta look like a bad ass duck? I dislike all bitch faces, for no reason other than they can't bloody smile. This could have something to do with my eagerness to please and possible ADHD... As one of the Brady kids once quoted in every single episode "I never thought of it like that" Cue the happy upbeat music and high five.

People without manners. This is something I cannot comprehend. How hard is it to say "Hi can I please have *insert something you might want here* Thank you" instead of "Oi C**T. Gimme that!" Nobody has actually ever said that to me, but this is a pretty big world. People say some pretty rude things. But seriously. We learnt manners when we were little. Mum used to go on a rampage at the library when kids didn't use their manners and I can't thank her enough for frightening little children back then because the chances are they say please and thank you now. And you know what? Manners get you everywhere! There is a reason this is a common expression. It is actually true! There needs to be some uplifting music and a montage to emphasise this point better than my fumbling fingers can manage. I have received so many free 'things' (damn I'm witty) in my life that if I kept them in my room they would take up a fairly large portion of space. And you know why? Because I use manners. Shock freaking horror you rude ass bitches.

How you like them apples now?

Bitch out.